confidence rambling…

  

allow me to ramble for a bit…

 

I never thought I was pretty.  Still struggle now.  A little extra weight.  Significant scars on my face from hair growth from PCOS. Hair that never quite cooperates no matter the style. Clothes fit funny.  Friends fall all over themselves to tell me that I am gorgeous.  Never quite believe it.  Take 50 selfies before the “right one” and still look back at the picture in disgust. I have never quite felt comfortable in my skin.  Actually, I have, but it has only been the case in times of turmoil.  Counterintuitive?  Yup.

The only time I felt I was pretty was the year leading up to my complete breakdown. Kinda ironic. (Don’t ya think?) During that time, my manic and reckless behavior actually resulted in the loss of about 30 pounds. I was wearing a size 8 (seems to be the size I have been during all my breakdowns through the years, but whatever), had grown a quite impressive mane of hair, was working at a makeup counter so my face was at all times flawless. Only problem is I thought of myself in a grandiose, take over the world, over inflated way. Basically everyday was a Manic Monday. I held on to that pseudo-confidence to convince myself I wasn’t a wreck. I tried to use this image of myself to attract and impress people who didn’t love me and didn’t get me.

I tried to use this image to get ME to love me.

I just reread what I wrote and it makes little sense to me now. Most of my thoughts “back then” are nonsensical. I can’t wrap my head that I thought my behavior and thoughts regarding myself were this way for over a decade. But I did feel that way. Thank goodness for medication and friends that think you are awesome just the way you are. Plus, on second glance, I am pretty fly. *wink*

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  • I love how we all end up going through such grand, troubled, rocky journeys to find ourselves happiest at the most simplest of truths.
    I’m glad you found your awesome, and can (truly) own it. <3

    • and I do still struggle, but must say that most of time i really own it, and it feels magnificent.

  • Isn’t it great when we reflect and “get it”? 😉 Love this post, Alise. Your writing inspires me.

    • and the thing is, that is just the surface of that reflecting. I still have some work because there are some things i really need to deal with. However, I am thankful for even being able to scratch the surface. That is progress!

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