Please forgive me, me… (guest post)
A common thread that runs through the lives of sufferers of all manner of mental illness is the struggle of forgiving yourself. It is THE major theme of my story. I have done some pretty terrible things to myself and others during my journey, no for real some pretty bad things. We go through cycles of blame and self loathing because of past indiscretions. This is why I want to share something from an online pal of mine who graciously submitted her beautiful words to talk about this very thing… Please give a warm welcome to the lovely M. Roxy Jackson…. (thank you, love, for this.)
It’s really hard for me to let go of the pain, discomfort & worrying I inflicted on others.
Being bipolar hasn’t been the dramatic experience you may see on tv.
It’s a silent, internal cycle of self-doubt, punishment and an overwhelming sense of doom with a few weeks of exciting freedom.
Sometimes, many people have issues with forgiving others.
I have an issue with forgiving myself, despite my apologies being accepted and being loved.
I can’t forgive myself but I need to.
It’s the only way I can breathe without worry.
I need to stop viewing my illness as if I’m to blame for it.
I need to forgive myself for resisting treatment.
For making people worry when I don’t call for weeks at a time.
For being anti-social when my anxiety is at an all-time high.
For not believing you when you tell me I’m beautiful.
For not believing you when you tell me you love me.
For not ending shitty relationship when I was younger.
For all the broken promises and commitment.
For not having enough faith in my abilities to help others.
For destroying the things I wrote in the past, due to shame, guilt & doubt.
For hurting others with my anger. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
For not spending enough time with my family & close friends.
For the ruined friendships I stopped caring about.
For all the missed calls & texts of you asking me for forgiveness.
I can go on forever.
My guilt & lack of faith in myself can’t and won’t weigh me down anymore.
I’m willing to push past the disappointment and live the life I need to help others succeed.
You should too.