The anxiety of happy…

ticket to happiness

It’ll get you in the door, but you gotta do the work…

 

 

This is going to sound a little strange, but I have an enormous struggle with being happy.  No, I don’t mean my struggle of getting to a happy place, that’s a whole other can of worms.  My challenge is with the rent and bills at Casa Feliz. Chateau Heureux.  Content Estates. Da Happy Shack.  It is like the neighborhood I was living in while I was in distress was gentrified and now I can’t handle the cost of living.  There is a poem in there somewhere, but I digress.  I must admit that I am writing this as a  little self therapy to not let this time of positivity get all mucked up in my brain. This is basically an attempt to keep the momentum of  this burgeoning creativity and productivity on an upward swing.

I have let things  fall apart in past because I somehow let the happy stress me out.   It damn near sounds counterintuitive.  Here are my hurdles:

  • “waiting or the other shoe to drop”-  When you are used to things failing it is easy to get a mindset that every good thing will fall apart or has some sort of catch to it.  It is hard to relinquish old thinking habits.  Rome wasn’t built in a day nor was the empire destroyed on one either.  It takes time to break down those thinking patterns.  I don’t know who put it in our heads that anything in this world has the ability to morph itself in one day outside of really bad sci-fi movies and novels, of course.

 

  • “Pressure busts pipes” – There is extreme internal and external pressure to maintain normal.  You dont want to disappoint the people who are rooting for you.  You don’t want to give your detractors reason to look down their nose at you again.  You don’t want to disappoint YOU.  That is a heavy burden to carry.  Guess what carrying a bunch of heavy shit makes one feel?  Tired perhaps?  Stressed mayhaps? Unhappy you say?  Bingo!  (Bingo is fun though, let’s not get that twisted.)

 

  • “Do I deserve this?”  –  Some days your brain convinces you that you are not worthy of a good life, real love, success and all other manner of positive things.  No matter how much progress you make in recovery or therapy, sometimes those sneaky little mental tapes will play in your head.  All it takes is one tired or stressful day to slip you up and give you cause to listen to them on repeat.  You ever gotten a song stuck in your head?  Same shit, except imagine you brain being the music player.

 

  • “I’m okay now” – This is the culprit that strikes me the most.  When you have an infection and are prescribed antibiotics, what does the doctor always say?  “Take the entire bottle as directed, even if you start to feel better.”  A common thing that happens to people with all sorts of mental illnesses is that once the meds or the therapy starts actually working, we stop.  When you are in your “good place” you start getting magnanimous ideas that you can conquer this on your own.  I have done it a million times.  It has crashed and burned every single time.

 

I am now handling my happy a lot more responsibly.   Daily, I tell myself that I deserve it because I fought hard for it.  I am just as human as you guys, so some days I don’t believe it, but I keep saying it anyway.  I am a firm believer in the effectiveness of mantras.  Speaking and writing is my passion, so it is no wonder that sets of positive  spoken words daily help me to cope and maintain all this happiness that looks  so good on me.

What are things that have caused you to lose grip on your happy?  How did you handle it?

Love Alise Naturally Alise

 

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  • I can relate to this on so many levels … thank you for sharing!!

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  • Well, I have struggled with being “happy” in general. I have always suffered from Depression and P.T.S.D. I can relate to #3 “Do I deserve this?” because for so long I believed I didn’t because that is what my abusers told me. Those of us who have survived ANY form of abuse begin to believe our abusers — those are often the “tapes” that replay in our minds. I’ve been “okay now” many times. 😉 However, a nurse once reminded me: depression (or any form of mental illness) is a physical illness similar to diabetes and we MUST take care of ourselves by taking our medication and going to the doctor. It seems so simple, right?

    Because I was accustomed to dysfunction and chaos for so long (as that was my entire childhood) I later recreated it in my adulthood. When things were smooth, I became anxious until I wasn’t happy and neither was anyone else.

    Today? Things are different. Through YEARS of therapy, writing, speaking, learning to APPLY the lessons that I have learned I am at peace. Every once in awhile I get happy, but most of the time? I’m peaceful and in that peace I am seeking my true joy.

    • Yes,peace is wonderful. So great when you get to that place!

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